Evenin' fell just like a star
Left a trail behind

You spitted
You slammed out the door

If this is love, we're crazy

'Cause we fight like cats and dogs

I just know
there's got to be more

Please call me, baby

Wherever you are

It's too cold to be out
walkin' in the streets

We do crazy things
when we're wounded

Everyone's pretty insane

I don't want you
catchin' your death of cold

Out walkin' in the rain

I admit that I ain't no angel

I admit that I ain't no saint

I'm selfish and I'm cruel
but you're blind

If I exorcise my devils

Well, my angels may leave too

When they leave
they're so hard to find

Please call me, baby

Wherever you are

It's too cold to be out
walkin' in the streets

We do crazy things
when we're wounded

Everyone's pretty insane

I don't want you catchin'
your death of cold

Out walkin' in the rain

Answer me honestly.

If I was to tell you
that I love you...

and that I'd throw it all away
to be with you...

w-what would you say to me?

 

Good night, Paulie.

 

Yep. Yep, that's about par
for the evening.

 

But what I want to see

 

Is the way things used to be

 

Between you and me

 

The way things used to be

 

Let me guess.

 

Your old lady got fed up because
you're out here chasing the skirt...

so she took these little ones
and left you.

 

It's a little more com-- It's
a little more complicated than that.

Oh, yes, it always is. Everybody thinks
their story is the one with the twist.

But let me tell you,
in my experience it's--

 

- Holy shit.
- Exactly.

 

- This I've got to hear.
- No, look, uh, it's a long story.

And I know you're ver--
I know you're very busy...

and I don't really feel
like swapping stories...

- Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, wait.
- if you want to know the truth.

 

Hmm?

 

Okay, now tell me, Father, how long
has it been since your last drink?

 

Um, it's been about a minute and a half
since my last drink.

 

Of course.
Now, what about these kids?

 

Okay, um--

 

- Well, you see the one on the right?
- Mmm.

- The cu-- The cute one?
- Mm-hmm.

That's me.

 

- That's very cute.
- Brian Finn.

Paulie Chopra.

 

Okay, well-- Now, you see
this kid on the left?

- Mmm.
- That was my best friend Jake.

- He's a priest too?
-Jake?

No, um, as it--
as it turns out, Jake's a rabbi.

 

Come on. A priest and a rabbi?
I think I've heard this one.

No, look, I've heard all those, and,
trust me, you have not heard this one.

 

Okay? So there's this priest and
this rabbi, and they're best friends.

 

- Mmm.
- But before they were
a priest and a rabbi...

 

they both knew this girl.

- Ah, the girl.
- Yeah.

 

- Who's the girl?
- That's Anna Reilly.

Reilly? Let me guess.
She became a nun?

 

Not quite. Not quite.

 

See, we all met in the sixth grade
at P.S. 84 right here in Manhattan.

 

I think I already knew Jake,
and then we both met Anna.

 

No, wait, you know what? Actually,
I remember exactly how we met...

'cause, well, it was sort of
one of those defining moments.

 

Well, after that we were
pretty much inseparable.

 

Now, Jake and I were definitely
what you'd call "late bloomers."

 

And your average seventh-grade girl's
attentions can be pretty fickle.

But not Anna.
Her loyalty to us was constant.

 

Anna was the friend
that every 13-year-old boy dreams of.

You know, that magical cross between
Jonny Quest and Tatum O'Neal in Foxes.

 

Yes! Yes!

 

Yeah, we were some trio. Anna used
to call us "two Micks and a Yid."

She was gonna make T-shirts.

 

You know, there's eight million
people in New York...

but when the three of us were together
it felt like we were living
on our own little island.

 

But New York is an island.

 

I'm trying to sprinkle
a little fairy dust here.

- I'm-- I'm trying to tell a story.
- I'm terribly sorry.

- Continue. Go on. Sprinkle away.
- Mm-hmm. Okay.

 

Well, then disaster struck.

 

The summer after eighth grade,
Anna's father got a job in California...

and just like that,
she was gone.

 

Well, as for me and Jake, our friendship
just got stronger and stronger.

In most ways, we were like
any other two kids in New York...

but our relationship did have
this one unusual component--

we were fascinated
with each other's religions.

He showed me
the secret rituals of Judaism...

 

and I let him in on
the Catholic mysteries.

Just remember:
spectacles, testicles, watch, wallet.

 

I bet you're wondering what makes two
kids wanna become a priest and a rabbi
in this day and age.

Well, you know, people don't talk
that much about a calling any more...

but I just knew it was something
I was supposed to do.

And even way back then,
everybody just seemed to feel good
bringing their problems to me.

My parents had basically given up
on children when I came along...

so my mother always called me
her gift from God.

That really stuck with me, and when
I was eight I told her I had a feeling
I was supposed to return the favour.

She was so happy, she cried.

My dad just wanted to know
if working for God came with dental.

 

Now, Jake's sense of a calling
might not have gelled as early as mine.

 

Religion was really more
of a hobby for him at first.

Got it. Got it.
Need it. Need it.

 

Got it. Got it.
Need it. Got it.

 

Jake was just one of those
special kids, you know.

He was smart, popular.
Everything came easy to him.
He just had that kind of aura about him.

 

You took one look at this kid
and you knew he could do anything
he wanted with his life.

 

Jake's family had been in the investment
banking business for three generations.

His father and his brother Ethan
both tried to convince him
to join them at the family firm.

I think he gave it some serious thought,
but in the end he decided he wanted
to do something different with his life.

When he made his decision
to become a rabbi, he did it
with great confidence and resolve.

I don't want to listen to any of you!

Jake and I went off to seminary
the way other guys go off to the army
or the Peace Corps.

It was an adventure.

 

Newly ordained as masters of theology,
we were both assigned
back to New York City...

 

where we quickly confronted
the practical aspects of our jobs.

 

Oh! Jesus!

 

And despite these early setbacks,
we eventually found our groove.

 

- Take it nice and easy.
Win 'em over slowly. Okay?
- Okay.

 

Shabbat shalom, everyone.

Before we get started,
I want you all to do me a favour.

I want everybody in the back there
to come on forward and fiIl up
these first three rows here.

Oh, guys, come on.
Let's try one more time. Shabbat shalom!

 

- Shabbat shalom!
- Thank you, Mom.

 

Ma'am, you in the back.
Yes, you. Come on.

God hates a solo artist,
I promise you.

We're gonna be the Fugees here
this morning. No Lauryn Hills.

Okay, my mom is the only person
in the room...

approximating the level
of "Shabbat shalom"-iness
that I think we can hit.

 

Sir, you're leaving. Why-- I--
It's customary to sneak out
after the Communion.

 

Now, give me something I can work with,
folks. Shabbat shalom!

- Shabbat shalom!
- All right! Now we're ready to daven!

 

I don't want to brag, but the word got
out that there was a new act in town...

and soon we were playing to
the packed houses I always knew
we'd been destined for.

 

I know. I know!

 

I-- I-- I know.
But seriously, what is the story
of Sodom and Gomorrah really about?

- Anybody. Steve Posner.
- Sexual perversion.

 

Sexual perversion.
Steve Posner's watching
a little too much Spice Channel, okay.

 

The Seven Deadly Sins.
Who can name the Seven Deadly Sins?

 

People, it was a very popular film
with Brad Pitt.
You have the ultimate Cliff note.

 

And Lot takes them in
and he protects them.

 

What happens next? Anybody.
Ah.

Greta Nussbaum,
before she pulls her rotator cuff.

 

God spares Lot and his family.

 

Bingo! Two-week cruise for Greta!
You're goin' to the Bahamas!

 

You know,
when you think about it...

God is a lot like
Blanche Du Bois.

He's always relied on
the kindness of strangers.

 

And that's really what the story
is about-- it's about us
taking care of each other.

God relies on us
to take care of each other.

 

The truth is, I don't really
learn that much about your faith
by asking questions like that...

because those aren't really
questions about faith,
those are questions about religion.

And it's very important
to understand the difference
between religion and faith.

Because faith is not about
having the right answers.

 

Faith is a feeling.
Faith is a hunch, really.

 

It's a hunch that there is something
bigger connecting it all...

 

connecting us all together.

 

And that feeling, that hunch, is God.

 

And coming here tonight,
on your Sunday evening...

 

to connect with that feeling,
that is an act of faith.

 

And so all I have to do is look around
the room at this packed church...

 

to know that we're doing pretty well
as a community.

 

Even if all of you
failed my pop quiz miserably.

 

Let us pray.

 

Jake and I used to talk about how we
needed to kick the dust off our faiths,
bring 'em up to speed with the times.

No more of the old routines.

Jake said, "We're gonna give 'em
an old-world God with a new-age spin."

 

Feel the prana.

Our first big idea was to turn
this abandoned gay disco...

into a joint Catholic-Jewish
senior centre-slash-karaoke lounge.

 

You know, sort of a Fiddler on the Roof
meets Lord of the Dance...

meets Buena Vista Social Club.

 

Not an easy idea to sell
to some of the higher-ups...

but that's what we lived for--
to push the envelope.

You know, we were gonna bring our
religions into the 21 st century
any way we could.

We were gonna shove 'em a little,
if we had to.

 

Jake said we were gonna be like those
young cops who come on the force
and shake things up.

You know-- the God Squad.

 

Well, it's just like the ocean
under the moon

 

Well, it's the same as the emotion
that I have for you

 

You got the kind of lovin'
that can be so true, yeah

 

So give me your heart
Make it real

 

Or else forget about it

 

Or else forget about it

 

Or else forget about it

 

Come on, bring it. Nice.

 

Oh. So Ben Lewis comes into my office
this morning, tells me he's retiring.

 

- Rabbi Lewis?
- Yeah.

 

- Wow, that's the end of an era.
- I know.

But that's exciting. How long before
they give it over to you officially?

Well, I'm telling you,
there are a few backwards thinkers
on that board who just--

They don't get what I do.
You know?

Plus, there's the whole thing
about me being single.

 

- Single?
- Don't think that's not an issue.

 

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
are you seriously telling me that
if you don't find a nice Jewish girl...

and settle down in the next six months,
they're not gonna give you this job?

I'm seriously telling you
that-- that there's not been
a bachelor head rabbi of B'Nai Ezra...

since the beginning of the synagogue.

 

- Wow. I mean--
- I know. It's--

You'd better start
getting out there more.

 

- Tell me about it. It's embarrassing.
- Okay, okay, but forget about that.
You do want to meet somebody, right?

No, I'm just saying that I want
to meet somebody in a spontaneous
and casual manner, that's all.

- And it's almost impossible with me.
- Why? I don't understand that.

- Because I'm a rabbi.
- Yes. Yes. What's your point?

 

The point is that every time
I go out with a woman I don't know
if she likes me just for me...

or because I'm Rabbi Jake.

 

You know?
There's a certain expectation.

It's like, I can't go with my impulses.
I have to-- I don't know.

Jews want their rabbis
to be the kind of Jews that
they don't have the time to be.

Yeah, and Catholics want their priests
to be the kind of people
they don't have the discipline to be.

- So, we knew this getting into it.
- Right.

 

Oh, no, man. Check this out.

 

- God Squad in the house.
- What's up, Shabazz?

Okay, so, you gonna give it up, Rabbi,
or are we gonna have to
go through the motions?

Get ready to say your prayers, my
friends, 'cause I am in no mood today.

- Watch your ass, Shabazz!
- Come on

 

Turn me loose

 

Just turn it up

 

Power to the people, y'all

 

- Turn it loose, hey
- Oh!

 

Shake hands with the 8-0-8

Like I said before
PE got a brand new funk

- Turn it up
- Bye.

 

- Good game, Shabazz.
- Tell your mother I said "hi."

All right.

 

Power to the people

 

I gotta quit playing with those guys
from Jewish Theological Seminary.

It really lowers the bar.

 

Oh, can I just say "oy"?

 

Amen to your "oy."

 

- What happened to our youth?
- I'm telling you, it ended at 30, pal.

Oh, hey, speaking of our youth,
I forgot to tell you something.

- What?
- This is big. Guess who called me.

- Who?
- Okay.

Think about who is the coolest woman
you and I have ever known, ever.

 

That's easy. Anna Reilly, eighth grade.
No question.

- You got it.
- What?

 

- She called you?
- Yeah.

- Anna Reilly called you?
- Yeah. Totally out of the blue.

- Why?
-'Cause she's coming to New York,
uh, for work...

and she wanted to get together
with us.

- She just looked me up.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Anna Reilly. What is she doing now?

She-- She's, like, analyzing synergies,
or synergising analogies,
or, or some such thing.

I couldn't follow it. She's, like, this
very high-powered business-- You know.

 

- Woman?
- Woman, yes. Thank you.

- Wow. And you told her about us?
- Yeah. She flipped,
in a-- in a good way.

You know, I mean, she laughed for about
ten minutes, but she was excited.

- Man, that is so cool.
- I know.

 

I wonder why she called you.

 

What do you mean?

 

No, I mean, she called you.

 

- What, are you
in the eighth grade still?
- What? That's a legitimate question.

I just-- I mean, we're both listed.

Finn before Schram, okay?
You're ridiculous.

 

That's a good point.
Alphabetical.

 

I think we should toss this.
We look like idiots.

- Shut up. We do not.
- You shut up.

- You think she's changed?
- No, I bet she still weighs 88 pounds
and listens to Leif Garrett.

 

For the record, it's Leif. Long "A."
Didn't you see the Behind the Music?

Hey, come on, admit it.
You're excited. This is gonna be great.

The three of us hanging together again?
I can't believe it.

 

- Is that her?
- No. No.

 

Wow.

 

- Hail Mary.
- Mary.

 

- Full of... something.
- Full of something'.

 

Hello, boys.

 

- I don't understand.
- Well, basically, I'm like a plumber,
except I fix leaky corporations.

- Oh.
-Jake Schram.

 

- Yes.
- How are you? Who are you?

Tell me everything. Give me the 4-1 -1 .
I wanna know.

- Well--
-Job, girls, news.

Oh, now, hey, come on, come on.
I know him. I know him. Y-You start.
Catch us up right now.

- All right. Job is good. Really good.
- Men.

 

News: My parents
are happy and retired.

- And, uh--
- Men?
- I take yoga.

- Men.
- That's my life.

- No.
- Men.
- Come on.

- Don't cheat us. G-Give it up.
- I don't-- Relationships? Yada-ya--

I don't have time for relationships.
I work, like, 100 hours a week.

- You guys have no idea.
- Hey. Hey.

- Excuse me. I think that we work
pretty hard for a tough...
- Yeah, working for the--

- That's a...
- boss.
- full-time thing.

No, I work harder than God.
If He had, uh, hired me, He would have
made the world by Thursday.

 

Great. That's great. So you're saying
that we're just never going to see you.

- Is that-- This is the big kiss-off.
- No, for you guys I will make time.

- Wow. I feel special.
- That's my bag.

- I got it. I got it.
- I got it. I got it.

- I got it.
- I got it, man. I got-- No, I got it.
Let me-- Let me-- I-I can get it.

Okay. Thanks.

 

- You okay?
- Yep-- No-- Go.

 

Remember the names of some of those kids
we went to school with?

- Remember Aram Salaam?
- Mm-hmm. His father
was a diplomat, right?

He was always saying
he couldn't get a parking ticket
'cause he had diplomatic immunity.

- Remember Elan Portnoy?
- Yeah, he was always complaining.

He was always smoking pot.

 

- Hey, remember our shoplifting club?
- Oh, yeah.

- You had to steal something
to be a member.
- How about you with the basketball?

Remember she stuck
that basketball under her shirt,
and you said you were pregnant?

- I pulled it off.
- Yeah, but you were twelve.

Yeah, but it was New York, it was the
'80s. You could get away with anything.

- We should get home, right?
- Huh?
- Yeah, it's getting kinda late.

- We should take you back.
- Well, I'm still on West Coast time.
It's only 8:00 my time.

Let's go do something.

 

So this is a rectory.
Sounds like a dirty word-- "rectory."

 

- Great place to meet chicks.
- Totally.

Oh, I'll bet.
So, what's your chick situation?

Oh, uh, don't ask.
It's, it's, it's not a good story.

 

- Why?
-'Cause his whole congregation's
trying to set him up...

and it makes him very uncomfortable.

- What's wrong with that?
- There's a reason that pandas
don't mate in captivity.

- What does that mean?
- It means that all these mothers
keep making these dates for me

They're very intimidating.
They're like the Kosher Nostra.

- Oh.
- It's true. They're little women,
but they're very determined.

You get a little melodramatic
about this, don't you think?

Oh, yeah? Check this out.

 

- I was faxed one of their daughter's
resumes this morning.
- Get out.

- Let me see that. "Ali Decker."
- Yeah. Look at the bottom.

- Oh. She has a skills section.
- Yes?

 

Oh. You win.
She put jogging as a skill.

 

See, she doesn't even know the
difference between a hobby and a skill.

- All right, well, maybe
she's a skilled jogger.
- I have to go on a date with this girl.

- Why don't I just say no?
- I don't know. Why don't you?

Because I can't alienate these women.
They-- I need body count at the temple.

Just relax. It'll be fine.

 

Oh, God, please let this be painless.

 

- Hi.
- Hi.

 

Right on time.
I like that in a rabbi.

 

Oh. Hey, this is a great place.
This is really--

 

- My lair.
- really nice.

- I'll be ready in a second.
- A lot of space.

I know.
Thanks, Daddy. Right?

 

You go, girl.

 

No pain, no gain.

 

Oh. Tuesdays with Morrie.
I love that book.

 

I'm ready.

 

- Oh, do you, uh, do these tapes?
- Are you kidding me?

- No.
- Are you kidding me?

- Hmm. No.
- These tapes are my life.

Exercise is like a religion to me.
No pun intended.

 

- Feel my abs. Not bad, right?
- Ouch.

 

- Punch me.
- Excuse me?

- You heard me.
- Um, I-I'm not gonna punch you.

 

I think you will find, Rabbi Schram,
that this princess is no pushover.

I can tell. And, hey, come on.
Call me Jake. All right?

 

Okay, let's get a few things
straight here, Jake.

 

One: I like you a lot.

 

And unless my radar is completely
on the blink, I think you like me.

- Well, I mean, we-- we just met, but--
- Two: I am many things.

No one thing defines me.
Are we clear about that, Jake?

 

- Yes.
- Then let me have it.

 

- I'm not gonna punch you.
- Punch me!

-You're a girl. I'm not gonna punch you.
-Hit me. I can take it.

- I'm not scared.
- I'm sure-- I know you're not.
I just-- You're a girl, and--

- What, are you some kind of wuss?
- No, I'm not a wuss--

- But I'm not gonna punch a--
Oh. All right.
- Little wuss, little wuss,

Oh. Are you okay?

 

- I'm fine.
- You sure?
-J-Just get my bag.

- Okay. Uh, you said you could take it--
- Fine!

 

That's wonderful.
Th-That headband's so cool.

- Oh, I'm so glad you noticed.
- Yeah. What is that?

- It was-- It was beaded
by the mentally retarded.
- Oh, really?

- Yes.
- Really? 'Cause it looks
really good, though.

- Oh, n--
Well, they're heavily supervised.
- Uh-huh.

- Th-They--
- Yeah, but it really-- i-it seems to--

- I mean--
- It goes together well, don't you feel?

- Oh.
- My God. Get a--
- Oh, no, no. That's--

- Get away from the table.
- Whoa, no, no, no.

- Get out of here.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's okay. Hey.

Hey, here, here, here.
D-Don't-- Don't-- Here.

- Thank you. Thank you. Have a nice day.
- You're flushing it down the toilet.

- Thank you. Don't-- You don't wanna--
- He's gonna spend it on booze.

 

Well, I had a great time.
Thank you. It was wonderful.

 

Uh, good night.

 

- Don't you want to come up, tuck me in?
- I-I-I shouldn't.

 

Believe me, you should.

No, I can't. I-I--
You're a congregant, and-- You know?

 

I'm telling you, you can.
I want you to.

 

I-- I-- I would love to.

 

I just-- I-I have a-- I got a--
I have a friend at home.

 

- A friend?
- A male friend. A guy.

 

A dog. A male dog.

 

- A beautiful puppy named Pinchas.
- Pooch can wait.

- No, no, no, he's a Rottweiler.
-Just come up for a minute
or two or three.

No, no, no, no! No! Don't! Don't.
No, listen to me. This dog
is a codependent little puppy.

He needs my help,
or else he'll go to the bathroom
over everything. He does it.

Well, send me the cleaning bill.
Get outta here.

- No, no, no. Don't get out. No, stay.
I-- I would-- It's not gonna--
- You are making me crazy, Rabbi.

- You're making me so-- No. No.
-Just come on. Just come up for me.

- Come on! For a minute!
- I can't!

-Just come on!
- Aah! Are you okay? Good!

 

- Oh, wow.
- Go! Go! Go!

 

- Hey! Hey!
- Thanks! I had a wonderful time!
See you in shul!

 

You're not playing games with me,
are you, Phil? You sure?

 

Okay, 'cause you know better
than that, right?

 

Okay. Well, if those results are
correct, then I, uh, say we have a deal.

 

Of course, I'll expect it in writing
by the end of the day.

 

Yes, by the end of the day, Phil.
What, did I stutter?

 

All right, Phil, you know what?
I don't have time for this, okay?

Gotta go, Phil.
Gotta go, gotta go.

 

No way.

 

Oh, yeah, baby.

 

Okay, okay. It's okay. It's okay.
It's okay. Take a break. Take a break.

I suck. They're gonna
take away my yarmulke.

- No, no, no, you-- you don't suck.
- I suck.

 

Okay. Yes, you do. You suck.

 

But that's okay. You're supposed to
suck. This isn't a talent contest,
this is a rite of passage.

 

I mean, this happens in all cultures.
It's about you being 13 years old.

God knew that your voice
was gonna change when you were 13.

There's a reason why you gotta do your
haftorah at this age. It's a challenge.

God is challenging you. He's calling you
a chump. So you gotta come back at him.

So you gotta say,
"Hey, hashem, you think You can scare me
with a little, uh, biblical Hebrew...

 

just 'cause my balls
haven't dropped yet?''

I'm serious. I'm serious. You gotta
show Him what Alan Klein's made of.

- How?
- By sucking with style.

 

Embrace the suckiness.
Just say, "I love that I suck."

 

- I love that I suck.
- Good, but own it. Say it.

- I love that I suck.
- I love that I suck!

 

- I love that I suck.
- I love that I suck. Good. Good.

- You play. I love that I suck.
- I love that I suck.

- Keep going with that.
- I love that I suck.

-Okay, good. I'll see you
next week. Hello?
-I love that I suck. I love that I suck.

-Hello?
-I love that I suck. I love that I suck.
-You suck. You can do it.

- Hey, Anna?
- I thought I got the Tony Robbins
hot line there by mistake.

Sorry. I just was, uh, finishing up.
How you doin'?

- I called to see how the big date went.
- That's so funny.

I had an impulse to call you
last night, and then I didn't
'cause I thought it'd be too late.

You should have. I was stuck here
barking at Los Angeles.

- Really.
- So, how'd it go?

 

Um, mostly horrible, with a few
brief moments of excruciating agony.

 

- But at least it was long.
- lam so sorry. What a waste.

 

People should have to qualify
to go out with you. You're too
precious to be on the open market.

- That's what I try to tell them.
- See? They should listen to you.

You're the best. You know that?
If only you were Jewish.

Yeah, well, nobody's perfect.

 

So, what'd you wear?

 

What?

 

I'm not gonna tell you what I wore
on my date. Why should I do that?

I wanna get an image of a young rabbi
on the prowl. What's your game, man?

 

All right.
Navy blue button-down shirt.

 

Mmm.
It's a good colour for your eyes.

- Navy blue pinstripe suit.
- I can picture that.

Tasteful,
yet with a quiet power.

 

That's me.
Chic but with a quiet power.

Shoes?

 

Black, Kenneth Cole, leather.

 

Size?

 

- Big.
- Ow!

 

Wanna hear about the special knot
in my tie?

Oh, baby, no.
We gotta save room for dessert.

 

- Don't give up hope. Okay?
- I'll keep it alive.

That's right.
Goodbye, Mr Sharp-Dressed Man.

Bye-bye.

 

Ah, nice.

 

I have a friend here
I thought you might want to see.

 

Will you now please turn
to page 508 for "Ein Keloheinu"?

 

I'm sorry, Raphae.
Just hang on one second here.

Guys, I gotta just say this
before we do this again...

because it's really
been bothering me.

"Ein Keloheinu. "
It's a joyous song.

 

It's a prayer
about praising the Lord...

 

telling the Lord how much
we love Him, or Her.

 

But no matter what I do, I can't
seem to be able to get you folks
to sing it with any feeling.

I mean, I brought in the band.
That didn't work.

 

I brought in my bongos last week.

I think we can all agree
that was a backwards step.

 

So this morning I've decided to bring in
a little outside help.

 

Maury, if you would.

 

You can even sing along!
Come on! Have a little fun with it!

 

That's right! Get up! Get those butts
out of those chairs! Come on!

 

Up in the cheap seats!

 

I can't hear you up there!
Sing it out! Come on!

 

Over 70!

 

Come on! All the young Jews!

 

Hey! Congratulations!
You were wonderful!

 

- Great job!
- Rabbi! Rabbi!

This is my daughter.
Isn't she lovely?

 

This is astonishing.
This is a shul.

This is a house of worship.
Do you know what my grandfather
would do if he saw this?

This is my daughter Ruthie.
She's in college.
She's going to be a physiotherapist.

What a shaineh maidel you are.
Look at this.

Oh, Rabbi, you're so wonderful.
You know my daughter Hillary.

Mom, don't embarrass me. Hi.

 

Jake, Bonnie Rose. I don't think
you've met my daughter Rachel.

 

- Hi, Jake.
- Oh! Hi.

 

This is exciting. We don't get
a lot of celebrities in here.

One time, once, when I was really young,
we had, uh-- Bella Abzug showed up
for a bris, but that was--

Well, I've heard so much about you,
I had to come and see for myself.

- The service was wonderful.
- Oh--

You were really, really wonderful.

 

Well, we're all certainly aware
of your successes.

You know, she just moved
to network prime time.

Ooh, look at that.
We got in a live feed.

- Well, my mom does all my PR.
- I know what you mean. Mine too.

No, I mean really.
My mother's firm does all my PR.

-Jake, I'm at PMK.
- Oh.

 

- We got her special correspondent.
- Great.

You know, she just got back
from interviewing Arafat.

- Yassir?
- In Arabic.

- That's great. I didn't know that.
-Jake, what you don't know is a lot.

You two should get together.

 

- Sure.
- I'm free on Thursday.

 

Thursday. That's--
That's fine-- That's great.

- Okay.
- Okay, great. Well,
nice to see you, Bonnie.

Rabbi. Wonderful.

 

- This is Hillary--
- Oh! This is-- This is the man
you were telling-- Right. Yes, sir.

Well, I appreciate what you did
for us in the war, I really do.

 

- How upset are they?
- Let's just say
they're less than thrilled.

 

-To be honest, we're less than thrilled.
-Okay, with what, specifically?

 

With what, specifically?

 

Well, with guided meditation,
specifically.

With stand-up comedy sermons,
specifically.

With your loose, improvisational style,
specifically.

 

Okay, with people
actually enjoying services?
People-- People showing up at all?

To be serenaded by
the Harlem-freaking-Gospel Choir?

- At least they were praying.
- It was a hell of
an "Ein Keloheinu, " Lar.

- It's not kosher, Rabbi Lewis!
- Larry, what does that mean?

I have to tell you what kosher means?
Study your gemara!

I mean, is this you too?
Do you feel the same way?

It's not your ideas.
Your ideas are very good.

 

But sometimes you're a little aggressive
in the execution.

Yeah, but, Ben, come on!
I mean, I mean, it was working!

I know, I know, I know, I know.

- You like to shake things up,
and that's good.
- When it works, yeah.

But you have to appreciate the fact
that a lot of people come here
for a sense of continuity.

 

It's not just the board.
I-It's your congregation, Jake.

 

Mrs-- Mrs Katz likes to sing the
"Ein Keloheinu" the way she knows it.

 

- Tradition is not old habit.
- All right, I'm-- I'm--

- No. It's comforting to people.
- Okay, but I'm not interested
i-in baby-sitting Mrs Katz.

I-I wanna-- I wanna push people
to grow and expand.

- Otherwise, what are we doing?
- I know, I know, I know.

But you have to be patient
with them.

I think you'll get a-- you'll find
that people will go a lot farther...

if you-- if they feel
they're being led and not pushed.

 

Good for you, Anna.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.

 

No more of this
"woman behind the man" shit.

Half the men I know
are completely unworthy
of the opportunities they've had.

You know, as a woman on your own,
trying to make your mark...

what do you do with that victory energy
at the end of the day, you know?

- I mean, don't you want
someone to share it with?
- Well, do what they do. Take lovers.

- I've had more dates than Jake.
- Mom.

It's true.

And when lovers bore, which they
will, sublimate. I take classes.

 

Me too. I'm addicted to it.
What's your favourite?

- Kabbalah. You?
- Kickboxing.

Oh, I used to take kickboxing, but I
don't know, I found it too high-impact.

So I take Tae-Bo now. It's doubled my
energy. You really ought to try it.

- Yeah. I need that high impact though.
- Yeah, I know what you mean.

- I take Native American drumming.
- You take Tae-Bo?

 

Oh, look at those pomegranates, huh?

 

Oh.

 

Oh, Our Lady's Bedstraw.
The most poetic herb.

 

All right, now over to you. Anybody
new in your life I should know about?

Wow, 20 minutes.
I can't believe we made it this far.

It's my God-given right to check.
Now, what about that Shapiro girl?

- Oh, no, not the Shapiro girl
again, please.
- Why? She was a looker.

- That wasn't the problem.
The problem was here.
- What, bad skin?

- No, not bad skin.
- What?

Okay, all right, you want an example?
I take her out to dinner, I order
dessert, she says she doesn't want any.

So I get pecan pie.
She asks me for a bite.

I give her a bite.
Her face swells up like a chipmunk.

She looks at me and she goes,
"Oh, my God, are there nuts in this?"

- So what?
- Mom, it was pecan pie.

 

- Oh, there must be somebody
for you. Come on.
- Oh, no, I don't even want

- Oh, come on. Tell her.
- I don't want to talk about it.

- He's got a very hot prospect.
- Oh? Who? Who?

 

Rachel Rose! Okay? Rachel Rose.
That's who I'm going out with.

 

- ABC Rachel Rose?
- Yes, ABC Rachel Rose.

 

Well, I think I could be in-laws
with ABC Rachel Rose. Hmm?
Peter Jennings would be at the wedding!

 

Hey, hey, speaking of in-laws,
Ethan and Jackie took me to see her
mom's new play, and it was hilarious.

- How is Ethan?
- He's great. He just got a promotion.

He's a vice president now.

 

- They gave him Dad's old office.
- Oh.

 

How nice.
I gotta hear this from you.

 

- Hey, maybe if you called
and congratulated him--
- I don't want to talk about it.

- Mom, he would be so happy
to hear from you. Just--
- Please, Jake, please.

Don't spoil this, huh?
I got you. I'm proud of you.

 

I got this beautiful garden. I've
reconnected with this great old friend.

 

Let's just hold hands and breathe, hmm?
Together.

 

- You're not breathing, Jake.
- I'm breathing.

-I don't hear you breathing.
-I don't breathe audibly, but I breathe.

 

- Mm-hmm?
- Whoo.

 

All right, you know what?
I gotta go. I gotta go. I gotta go.

- I've gotta go. Yes, I've gotta go.
- I gotta go. Really gotta go.
- All right, all right. Hi.

- Why don't you just have that thing
implanted in your ear?
- Oh, I'll be top on the list.

 

- Beep-beep!
- Oh-- Oh.
- Hello, young sir!

- Hello, Radioman.
- I feel like I'm in The Godfather.
Look at you.

Yeah, well, you know, I'm God's
consigliere. You gotta go through me
to get to Him, so I'm very popular.

Oh, whoa. Children. Hey.

 

I totally forget
how amazing New York is.

 

I know. You know, I think
whoever said it, it was really true.

 

The true New Yorkers understand that
people living anywhere else must be,
in some sense, kidding.

 

- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah, obviously. Anything.

 

It's personal, so--

 

- Okay, wait a second.
Are we gonna have the sex talk here?
Is that what this is gonna be?

You're my friend,
and I wanna know how this works for you.

- It's fine. Fire away.
- Really?
- "Really?"

- No-- Okay. Okay.
- Yeah, no, come on. Come on.
I know you got a list.

- Okay.
- Okay.

 

- Well, you don't, right?
- No. Right.

 

- At all.
- At all.

 

So, have you ever?

 

- Yes!
- Had sex?
- Yes.

- With women.
- Yes.
- So you're not gay?

- Oh, no. No.
- Are you sure?

Yes, but even if I was,
the rules are the same.

- Okay.
- Right.

 

- Do you miss it?
- No.
- Are you tempted?

 

- Oh, admit it. If they changed
the rules, you'd be psyched.
- I don't even think about it.

- Do you fantasize?
- I have dreams sometimes,
but not really.

- How is that possible?
- What, specifically?
- I've seen the way women look at you.

- Even though they know you're a priest.
Especially when they know, actually.
- I'm not blind, okay?

- Okay, so how do you deal with that?
- It's not an issue for me.

 

- It's really not. It's not--
- Really?
- Yeah, I'm past that point. It's--

I'm completely committed to what I do.
I really am.

To my work, to ministering to people.
It defines me completely as a person.

- A-And it fulfills me. You know?
I'm very happy.
- Hmm.

 

And, and that, that particular
sacrifice is-- It's a gesture.
It's a symbol of my commitment.

- That's quite a gesture.
- Yeah, I know it seems that way.

But, you know, I-- It's like
when people quit smoking, and,
and the first year is really tough...

and then people
can light up right in front of you
and it doesn't even bother you.

I quit smoking two years ago.
When people smoke in front of me,
I want to French-kiss them...

just to suck the smoke
out of their lungs, okay?

- Well, don't be a priest.
- I-- God!

 

I really admire your commitment.

 

- Well--
- I don't think I could take it.

You've given up all kinds of things
for what you do. You--

Yeah, but there comes a point
where I just crave contact.

 

You know? Like, I-I wanna
touch someone and be touched.

 

Oh, you're amazing.

 

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

 

- Thus endeth the sex conversation?
- Thus endeth.

Okay.

 

I bet no one ever asks
the Dalai Lama these questions.

 

You know what?
Len, don't argue with me.

 

Look, I have it right here
in front of me, and it's not right.

I'll be back in the office in an hour.
Run it again.

God, I hate these Harvard guys.

 

Mmm! Rachel Rose.

 

- Mmm.
- Yeah. When's that going down?

- Thursday.
- Thursday night, 8:00 p.m., dinner.

- Are you excited?
- Yeah. I have a pretty good feeling.

 

- Where are you taking her?
- I don't know. I thought, uh, Ernie's.

 

Ernie's? You can't take her to Ernie's.
Ernie's has been around
since we were kids.

You might as well
take her to Houlihan's.
You cannot take Rachel Rose to Ernie's.

- Definitely not Ernie's.
Definitely not. Mm-mmm. Uh-oh.
- No, you gotta take her

- No, hot. Definitely hot.
- Well, what's--
Okay, what's new and hot?

- What do we know about this girl?
- Rachel Rose, 29 years old,
Columbia School of Journalism.

- Middle East affairs expert.
- Perfect. Middle Eastern.

She can order in Arabic. Give her
a chance to shine. What's a good place?

Delphini's. Definitely Delphini's.
Four stars, New York Times.
Definitely Delphini's.

- Need a reservation. Delphini's.
- Now, are you gonna wear a suit,
or are you gonna go cas'?

I don't know. I don't know.
I hadn't thought about it. I guess cas'.

-No, suit.
-No, suit. Definitely suit. Definitely--

Hey, shut up, Rain Man.
Seriously. Enough, all right?

- Now you're making me think about this.
- Oh, relax. You'll do great.

Hey, what if you guys came with me?

 

What, you wanna bring a priest
to your first good date in two years?
That-- What kind of a strategy is that?

I don't want to bring a priest.
I wanna bring my friend Brian
and his girlfriend Anna.

We could m-make it like a double date.
Come on.

Pretend you're a couple. What's wrong
with that? What, are you busy? Huh?

- You can bring your cell phone. You'll
be totally connected the whole time.
- I'm always busy.

- That's not the point.
- What's the point, then?

- The point is, you're old enough
to date without a chaperone.
- Amen.

I don't need a chaperone, I just
need some help. Come on. Guys, please?

I'm begging you.

 

Yeah, that's the way the business
is going. People want their news
to have more of an edge.

- That's why Brokaw stands now.
- What?

Tom Brokaw. He stands up
when he reads the news.

- The whole time?
- Yeah.

- He does?
- Well, he's been doing it
for about a year now.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- I gotta watch the news more.

You know, I saw your saringas report.
It was very powerful.

Thanks. I really earned my stripes
with that piece.

Mmm. I earned my stripes by getting
through a bris without fainting.

- I talked Mc Donald's
out of the Mc Oyster.
- And a grateful nation thanks you.

- Made me a star.
- So, how long have you two
been together?

 

- Oh, right, uh--
- Oh, God, like-- Oh, we go way back.

We've all known each other since we were
kids, 'cause we grew up together.

- I used to have a crush on Anna.
- Really?

- I told you that.
- Did not!
- She knew that.

- No, you didn't.
- Mm-hmm.
- No, you didn't.

- I--
- Well, anyway, we reconnected.

A couple months ago, this was,
and, and we just clicked.
Uh, very unexpectedly, but--

 

Oh, G-- I think it's so great
to be friends first. Don't you?

Always. Friends first.

 

So, do you write your own reports,
or how does that work?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yeah.

- Well, I wouldn't trust anybody else
to get 'em right, you know.
- Right, right.

- I mean, you write
your own sermons, right?
- Mmm.

 

Actually, I download them off the net.
There's this great service.

- It's called www.hotgod.com.
- Really?

 

Ow! Ooh. No.

 

- No, I was kidding.
- Oh. So you-- you do
write your own sermons.

 

- Yeah. Yeah.
- He writes beautiful sermons.

Thanks. Actually, I like to improvise
a lot. You know, keeps everybody--
myself included-- on their toes.

I-I-I guess you really can't do that
too much with your job, with the news.

- What?
- Riff.

 

Oh, mmm, no, not really.

 

You know, I'll bet the Middle East
is lovely this time of year, huh?

Well, not if you're Kurdish.

 

Mmm.

 

Excuse me.

 

Oh, my God. The Iraqi defence minister
just committed suicide.

 

- Oh.
- Ooh.
- Is that bad or good?

 

Well, i-- Brian,
would you explain it to him?

 

I will.

 

- How do you think it's going?
- She's really beautiful.

- Sh-She's great too.
- Yeah.
- She's very adult.

- Oh, y-you're doing great. We've
been-- We've been totally impressed.
- You look so hot in your suit.

- Can I just tell you?
- Thank you.

 

- You look beautiful.
- You do. You look amazing.

- Thanks, men.
- Yeah, there's something about you.
I don't know what it is.

- Tonight there's some special--
- An absence of something.

- Of the cell phone.
- Uh-uh-uh. It's set to vibrate.

 

Oh, my-- Wow. That's sexy.

 

- Did you ever just wanna
be free of that thing?
- No-- You don't understand.

I-- I have a relationship
with my phone.

 

We have a chemistry together.
I can't explain it.

Yeah, well,
chemistry's a funny thing.

 

Yes, it is. Are you speaking
abstractly or specifically?

 

Abstractly.

 

Well, looks like
I'm going to Baghdad.

 

Two seconds. Two seconds.
So, it was a pleasure.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah. Take care.
- It was nice to meet you.

- Yes. Good luck to both of you.
- Thank you.
- I'll talk to you soon.

- Okay. All right. Okay.
- Okay.

- I'll-- I'll talk to you.
- Okay. Okay, call me.

- All right. Okay, thank you.
- Okay. Call me soon.

- Thanks again.
- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.

 

What are you thinking about
right now?

 

Oh, it's funny.
I was at the Met yesterday.

- Again?
- I go every week now. And I
noticed this little painting.

It was a watercolour
by Bonnard, and I've probably
passed it every single time...

and I don't know why,
but this time I looked at it.

And I was just-- I was riveted.
It was so beautiful.

 

That's all. I was just wondering
why I never saw it before.

Well, I mean, sometimes...

 

we don't see certain things
till we're ready to see'em...

in a certain way.

 

You know?

 

Very true.

 

Yeah.

 

Hey, what's going on
with Ruth and Ethan?

Oh, uh--

 

Ethan married a Catholic girl,
and that did not go over well.

 

- That's why they're fighting?
- No, no, they're not fighting.
They're not talking.

Two years now, no comunicado.

 

- Are you serious?
- Totally. It's--

What? Weren't they
really close, though?

 

- Oh, as close as Ruth and Jake.
- Wow.

 

- Well, that explains a lot.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, you see why tonight
is not just a date.

 

I feel really terrible about
having to cut the night short.

- You know, if they--
- That's fine. I totally understand.

- I mean, when the beeper beeps--
- You know, I'm just gonna be packing.

Would you, um, like to come up
for a nightcap?

 

- Keep me company?
- Uh, um--

 

I would love to, but I think
I should let you do your thing.

- I mean, you gotta
go to Baghdad. I mean--
- Yeah. Yeah.

- So.
- Long flight. I know.

- Yeah.
- It-- Well, okay.

But when you get back,
we should definitely get together.

 

- I would love to.
- Okay.

- It's a date.
- Okay. All right.

 

- Bye.
- Bye.

 

Bye.

 

Taxi!

 

- Well, this is me.
- Okay.

- You wanna come up for a while?
- Oh.

 

I would love to, but I really
should get home, because I have
a very early conference call.

Me too. I mean,
I gotta talk to the Big Guy.

 

- Right.
- He calls early.

 

- Rain check, though.
- Yeah. Definitely.

 

- Definitely.
- Okay.
- Okay.

Good night.

 

- Good night.
- Good night.

 

- Hi.
- Hi.

 

What are you doing here?

 

I don't know.
What am I doing here?

 

I haven't screamed that hard since
the U.S. hockey team beat the Russians.

You're incredible.

I've been wanting to do that since the
second you walked off that aeroplane.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Right away?
You hadn't seen me in 16 years.

I know, and you were this, like, tough,
sexy, straight-ahead businesswoman.

I just wanted to pull you off into
Security and give you a cavity search.

 

Now that would have been impulsive.

Yeah, well,
this is pretty impulsive for me.

 

- Believe me.
- But good, though, right?

 

Yeah, good, just, I mean, could get
a little complicated. You know?

 

Well, what would people at work think
if they knew you were sleeping
with a rabbi?

Could be a scandal.

 

Oh.

 

- Listen.
- Yeah.

You know what my life is like.

 

- I'm only here for a little while.
- Yes.

 

And I'm fine just hanging out
having a great time with you.

 

Mm-hmm.

 

But sometimes I wanna jump you too.
What can I say?

 

Is that okay?

 

Yeah, it's okay.
It's more than okay.

 

Think we should say anything
to Brian?

 

I-I think it might be
a little weird for him.

 

You don't think he'd understand?

 

No, I just--
I don't know.

 

I think we should
just keep it simple.

 

I'm for simple.

 

I have something simple
that I'd like to discuss with you.

 

Do you wanna know

 

If everythin' glitterin'

 

Will turn into the gold

 

I see in your hair

 

Feel it could be there

 

Somehow

 

Tonight

 

And do you wanna fight

 

Somethin' worth savin'

 

The change would do me right

 

'Cause I've been just waitin'

 

And hesitatin' with this heart

 

Of

 

Mine

 

You're still a mystery

 

But there's somethin' so easy

 

In how you're sweet to me

 

I feel completed

 

Like it's somethin' I needed
for this heart

 

Of

 

Mine

 

There's always somethin'
so tragic

 

About a hopeless romantic

 

We have a Jake Schram here
for Anna Reilly.

 

Yes? Okay.

 

Hey, you know, I'm gonna be coming here
a lot, so maybe in the future we don't
have to do this whole name thing...

and you could just say, "Hey, Jake,"
and I could say, "Hey, T-Bone."

 

- That pass is good for one hour.
- Okay. Thank you.

 

Wednesday night, you have
a due diligence call at 7:00...

and a dinner at 8:00.

 

All right. I'm make the call,
but cancel the dinner. I have a class.

 

Oh, he's late.

 

Oh, my God.
Are you guys getting serious?

 

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Yes, you are.

- No, we're not.
- I saw it. I can tell.

- No, no, no.
- I--
- Oh, it's-- He's here.

 

- Hey.
- Hi.

 

Uh, Debbie, this is Jake.
Jake, vice versa.

 

- Hi.
- Hi. How you doing?

Hi, Jake. Can I just say, um,
good-- good for you.

 

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

 

- Uh, Debbie?
- Debbie, Debbie, Deb-- What?

 

- Oh! Th-- Um, the numbers
are good for you, yeah?
- Good.

Good. Just run one more scenario
and assume an eight-percent I RR
and PV it to present day.

 

Bye.

 

- Hi.
- Wow, you're really gonna run
an eight-percent I RR...

'cause I'd go
with a fifteen percent at least.

Stick with the Torah.

Look at this place.
This is ridiculous.

This is so impressive. Wow.

 

- Hi again.
- Hey.
- Hey.

 

- Can we close your Levolor blinds and--
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

- What?
- I want to show you something.
Remember that guy I told you about?

- Um, the guy, the guy--
Oh, that guy.
- Mr 23rd Floor.

- Yes.
- Check it out.

- All right.
- Right there,
with the huge ficus plant.

I doubt anything interesting
will be going on now...

- Trust me.
- but if you want me to look at--

Whoa! Holy majoly!

 

Told ya.

 

Does he have music on in there?
Huh?

He's, like, porn-slapping her.

 

- We should go now.
- Ooh.

He has a healthy self-confidence.
I can tell from his posturing.

- Ready? Let's go.
- I can-- Hang on one second.
I'm learning something here.

- I'm learning--
- We're gonna be late.

You're gonna be--
You're gonna benefit from this.

I can't Wednesday night.
I have a class.

Okay, what are
these classes already?

I just try new things sometimes.
I don't want to talk about it.
I get embarrassed.

You shouldn't be embarrassed.
A lot of people take aikido.

- Nope.
- Line dancing.

 

- Not even close.
- Why-- What is the big deal?

- Why can't I know?
-Jake.

- Feng shui?
- No.

 

You shouldn't be embarrassed
if it's feng shui. Okay.

You know what? Don't tell me.
I don't even need to know, 'cause I like
the little misterioso quality.

- It's very sexy. It turns me on.
- That's very good.

- Yeah.
- All right, I gotta pee.

Hold on a second. I wanna
tell you something. Listen.

 

Hold that thought.

 

- Look who's here!
- Hey!

 

- Look who's here!
- Hey!
- Hey, Rabbi!

Ho-- Holy.
How you doin'?

 

- Larry.
- Larry, Ellen...
- Yeah.

What the-- What the--
What are you doin' here?

What do you think? We're buying
a turkey. No, no, we're seeing a movie.

- That's what we're doing.
- Are you alone?

 

No. I mean-- I mean,
I'm with an old friend.

 

What are you wasting your time
with an old friend when Emma Gerber...

has been trying to get you to take
her daughter out for months, huh?

Let me tell you, it wouldn't hurt
to call her, because her family
is very wealthy.

- Although she's no Rachel Rose.
- I know, but they could contribute
to the senior centre.

I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna call her,
but right now I'm taking a little break
from the dating and the whole--

- Why?
- It's a little bit too much-- Whoa!
- If this isn't too--

- Whoa!
- Look at--
- What the heck is-- This is--

- Hi. How are you?
- We were just talking about Rachel.

Well, naturally.
Did you all come together?

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- No.

We-- We just-- We just-- This--
This is why I love New York.

 

- Yeah, it's true.
- Well, these are my movie girls.

- Hi.
- Hi.
- This is Roz and Chaya Lentz.

- Yes. Hi.
- We're gonna see that Garcia picture.
Andy Garcia.

- We are.
- Oh, so are we.
- Oh.

- Hi, Rabbi.
- You know, my daughter's been back
from Libya like a week.

- Right.
- Yeah, she told me that she called you
a couple of times.

- Yeah, we've been--
we've been trying to call--
- She's very disappointed...

- We-- We--
- not to connect up with you.
- I know. I'm sorry.

- It's--
- Hey.
- It's been-- Hey, how you doin'?

- Perfect. Great. Um--
- This is your friend?

This is it.
This is my buddy, um--

 

This is my buddy, Anna.
These are people--

This is Larry Friedman.
He's the president of the synagogue.

- And his wife.
- I've heard so much about you.
- Hi. How are you?

- I'm good. Thank you.
- And Ellen.

- Hi.
- Hello!
- Nice to meet you.

- Pleasure.
- Hi.
- and the Luntzes?

- Lentzes.
- Lentzes.
- Hi.

- And all of these people
are all members of the congregation.
- Got it.

- I don't think I got your last name.
- Reilly.

- Um--
- Reilly?

We, Anna and I and Father Brian,
as children, used to play.

 

- Isn't that nice?
- What movie are you seeing, Rabbi?

- We're gonna--
We're gonna see the I MAX--
- Andy Garcia.

- He's in that, right?
- No, I don't think so.

- Well, maybe we should go.
- We're going to the same one. Let's go.

Anyway.
I thought he was in that.

 

Where are the paper towels?

 

There are no paper towels.

 

Jesus Christ, lam in a crisis here!
I need some help!

I need someone that can look
around the house...

and when there are no paper towels,
they go to the god dam store and buy
some paper towels!

 

I mean, how many god dam stores do you
pass on the way home from school...

- that are filled with paper towels?
- You okay?

- Yeah.
- I need someone to use
a little common sense around here!

 

Why don't you get somebody else?

 

- Okay, what?
- If we were actually going out, I'd be
very pissed off at you right now.

Yes, well, if we were actually
going out, I'd say that...

that was a very scary situation for me,
and you just made it worse.

Well, then I would say that is no excuse
for what just went on in there.

Well, I'd say, "I'm sorry.
Too bad. That's the way it is,
and you have to deal with it."

- Well, then I would say that you--
that was absolutely--
- What? What would you say? What?

Come on. Bring it!
Bring the pain!

 

Say it. Say it all.

 

- You wanna--
- I guess it's a good thing
we're not going out, then.

- Thank God.
- Thank God.

 

- I wasn't really mad. Were you?
- No, but you're still
gonna get a spanking.

 

- You're in such good shape. I mean--
- Are you all right?

Oh, yeah.
Oh, God. Oh, God.

 

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You gotta stretch.

- I can't-- No.
- You gotta stretch, or you're
gonna tighten up. I'm telling you.

- Ow!
- Does that hurt?

 

- No, it feels good.
- Okay.

 

Harder. Harder.

 

Okay. That's enough.

 

You're such a wimp.

 

Hi, this is Anna. Only three people
have this number, so if you're not
one of them, leave me alone.

 

Hey, it's me.
Are you there?

 

Hello? Pick up the phone.

 

Probably still at work.
It's not that important.

I was just thinking about you.

 

Thought maybe we could do dinner
this week, you know, just you and me?

 

This is Brian, by the way,
in case you were wondering.

You know where to find me.

Call me, okay? Bye.

 

- What?
- I gotta go now. I gotta go.

What? No, no, no. Can't--
Just give me 20 minutes. Come on.

- Twenty minutes?
- Okay.

- I'm late. This is
becoming a bad habit.
- Fifteen minutes.

- I have--
- Well, 141/2 minutes. Please?

 

- I have to go back to the mines.
- We all have to go back to the mines.

- Don't you have work to do?
- I do.

We're doing a hostile takeover
of Congregation Bertov Sholem.

- Okay.
- And--
- You do that.

- Okay, I'll do that.
- I'm officially going now.
- Okay. Oh, whoops.

- Okay.
- Okay-- Oh.

- Oh--
- Toll booth. Ding-dong.

 

- Time to pay the toll.
- Okay.

 

- There.
- Oh--
- I paid.

 

God was showing off
when He made you.

 

Okay, go.

 

But you'll be back.
They all come back.

 

Ah, yes, they all come back.

 

Sooner or later, they all-- Ooh.

 

Hey.

 

- Hi. How are you?
- I'm good.

- How you doin'?
- What's up, my man?

 

What are you-- What are you--
What are you doing here?

- I wanna get the karaoke machine.
Am I interrupting something?
- Yeah, I got a blonde in the back.

- Come on. Let's go.
- Right now?
- Yeah, yeah. Come on.

- Okay, okay, okay.
- We got the money. I mean, why wait?
- Come in for a second.

- Come in for a second.
- No, no, no. Come on. I wanna go.
The place closes in, like, 20 minutes.

- Okay, come in for one second.
Come in for one second.
- Well, wait, wait, wait--

Hey, hey, hey. Hey. Hey.
A.D.D. boy. Right here.

 

You wanna get it, let's get it,
but be with me when we get it.

- Stay focused.
- I'm with you, man.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

 

 

Test. Test.
Sibilance. Sibilance.

 

I'm the king of rock.
There ain't none higher.

 

- Suck-- This doesn't work.
- Well, guy's in the back.

- Sucka--
- I can't find him.

Hey, listen. The contractor
wants to do a walk-through on--
on Tuesday next week.

- Can you do that?
- Mm, Tuesday.

We have to, like, "punch up"
or "punch out" or something.

I didn't understand the terms.
I just-- I just said okay.

No, Tuesday's not good for me.
I gotta mourn with the Schwartzes.

Oh. Hmm. What about Thursday night?
I think they can do Thursday night.

- What you got?
- Uh-- I-- I just--
I can't do that. I got a thing.

Well, can you cancel it?
'Cause we're, like, getting
really behind schedule here.

- They're-- They're gettin'
very irritable, and the--
- No. It's just this--

It's just this thing. Anna wants me
to take her to this office party deal.

 

- I don't know what it is.
- Really?

Is it like-- like, uh, something--
big thing or something?

- No. No, no, no. Just she needs
someone to, you know go with her.
- Oh.

Yeah, no, 'cause she-- I mean, she--
she didn't even mention that to me,
so I was--

Nah, it's not a--
It's a-- Whatever.

Jesse is a friend

 

And he's always been
a good friend of mine

 

But lately something changed
that ain't hard to define

Jesse's got himself a girl
and I want to make her mine

 

And she's watching him
with those eyes

 

And she's loving him with that body
of hers, I just know it

 

You know that I want Jesse's girl

 

-Jesse's girl
- How you guys doing? I'm Don.

 

- Don?
- Don. Rhyme with flan.

- Hey. Brian.
- Flan?
- Yes. You have any question?

Yes, yes, indeed, Don, we do.
Um, is this-- is this a good machine?

 

Yeah, it's good,
if you're a cheap bastard.

 

No, just--
Just doing comedy with you.

 

That one is okay, but if you
really serious about karaoke--

 

- Oh, we are.
- Okay.

Then there only one model for you.

The Audio 2000.

 

This baby got the 16-bit
dual D.A. converter...

 

three-beam tracking,
digital key controller...

 

so you can change the pitch if your
voice sucks, but I don't need that.

 

- That's nice. How much?
- Price is not important.

- No, price is very important, actually.
- Okay.

You got me.
Take me away. Okay.

It's a little bit expensive,
but let me tell you, it's worth it.

 

- When you sing to your girlfriend...
- Uh-huh.

and her heart-- Shoo! Boom!--
fall down on the floor...

 

then you say,
"Thank you, Don!"

Okay, how much
does it cost exactly?

 

All right.
Here's the real deal, okay?

 

Um, I don't usually do this,
but you guys look like cool guys...

and, uh, I got
a little piece of ass last night,
so I'm feeling extra generous.

- Oh.
- I'm gonna let you guys
have it for 1 ,300.

 

- Thirteen hundred?
- Final offer.

- Oh. Excuse me. I just got a--
I got a little warm there.
- Yeah.

- My friend, he gets--
he gets a little warm.
- Yeah.

 

Aw, man!

 

What is that? What is th--
Get outta here with that!

 

- Is that real?
- Oh, yeah.

 

Trust me, they'll love you. These guys
are fascinated by anyone who can survive
on less that a hundred grand a year.

 

All right, okay.
I feel ready for this.

You wanna give me some special
business terms so I sound like I know
what I'm talking about?

- Standard B.S.C. deal.
- What does that mean?

- Booze, schmooze and cruise, dude.
- Ah.

Wait. How do I look?

- You look incredible.
- Do I have anything in my teeth?

Uh, let me see. No.

 

- You look perfect.
- Thank you.
You ready for this, Rabbi?

- Not at all.
- Oh.
- Let's do it anyway.

 

What you think

 

What you feel now

 

What you know

 

- To be real
- Hey, Anna, come here.

We're doing shots. You gotta do--
Hey, I'm sorry. Just gotta
borrow her for one second.

All right. You think you can talk.
This woman can talk.

 

- Oh, Len.
- No, you know you can, Anna.

 

- What you know
- Thank you.

 

To be real

 

See? That's the guy's problem, right?
He's afraid to drive.

If the guy would just go down the middle
with some, you know, like Sprewell.

- Same thing. Hey.
- Excuse me, Rabbi.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but there's
a question of Talmudic precedent
that requires your immediate attention.

- Ah, excuse me.
- My love is your love

- Our love is here to stay
- Very good.
- Charming.

Talmudic.
Where'd you learn that?

 

- Look at the city.
- What you think
- I think I love you

 

What you feel now

 

I feel I need you

 

Do you think Len
was a Ritalin child?

- He still is.
- Those guys love you.

Hmm. They love me
'cause I bust their balls.

No, no, no. I mean,
they really respect you.

It's amazing.
You should be running that company.

- Actually, they want me to.
- What do you mean?

 

Um, they want-- asked me to run the
high tech group back in San Francisco.

 

- Anna. Are you serious?
- Mm-hmm.

 

- That's--
- I kind of knew it was coming.

I mean, who else
were they gonna give it to?

Listen to you. You're like--
That's incredible.

Yeah? Well, if you think I had
no life before, I mean, I'll disappear.

Yes, but this is-- this is
everything you've worked for, right?

- I'm so proud of you.
I'm so happy for you.
- Really?

- Yeah, of course, really.
- Well...

 

here's the thing, Jake.

 

I've been thinking about it,
and, um...

 

I'm excited, but I'm not as excited
as I am about you and me...

 

and so I don't think I wanna go,
because I wanna be near you.

 

So I thought I'd put in
for a transfer and stay here.

 

What do you think?

 

Wow!

 

Um, that's...

 

unexpected.

- Um--
- It is?
- Yeah.

 

Are you sure that
that is the best thing?

 

- Oh, I--
- For-- For you?

Oh. I don't know. I--

 

- I thought you'd be excited.
- No. No, no, no. I am.
I'm just-- I'm just--

I-- I'm sorry. I thought--
Am I off base here?

 

- Sorry.
- No, you're not.

It was just an impulse.
It's totally fine.

- Okay, 'cause I--
- It's totally fine. Really.

- I thought that we--
- No, I know. I--

I think that tequila shot
made me a little giddy.

- Should we go somewhere
and talk about this?
- No, no, no, no.

- Let's get outta here.
- No, no, no. No, no.
- Let's go talk about it.

No, no, no. No, no, no.
It's totally great. It's so fine.

I'm having a great time.
Let's just have fun, okay?

 

- Ooh.
- No, I don't-- Oh.

 

- Whoo! Let's go dance.
- Playin' in a rock and roll band

 

I never had no problems, yeah

 

Burnin 'down
the one-nightstands

 

And everything around me, yeah

 

- Amen.
- Amen.

 

- Oh, my!
- Sicko. Sicko.

 

I can't laugh. My spleen hurts.
I'm so full.

H-How did you stay such
a skinny kid in this household
with you cooking like this?

He was always blessed.
He got my genes.

Ethan, on the other hand, that's
another story. When he was a kid,
he was such a little chub.

 

He actually had to miss school
one day because he couldn't fit
into any of his pants.

- You're joking.
- No, it's the truth.
He had to call in fat.

 

Mom, he never called in fat.
Come on. Give the guy a break.

 

He looks so good these days.
You should see him.

He's been working out with a trainer.
Jackie's got him on this-- this regimen.

I mean, he looks very trim and slim.
He looks good.

He's looking very trim
because she don't know how to cook.

She's a good cook. You might find that
out if you ever tried some of her food.

I don't wanna talk
about this any more. Get it?

 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

 

- What were we talking about?
- The meal was so good.

 

This was so good.
Thank you.

- Hear! Hear! As always.
- All right. Yep.

Somebody's gotta feed
all these skinny people in the world.

Okay, now you guys get the dishes,
and the ladies will talk.

 

Jake, put on some water for tea,
will you?

 

It's like a fairy tale,
these flowers framing you.

 

That's called a chuppah.

 

Wow.

 

Oh, my God.
You look so beautiful together.

 

Please. We were so young.
We were kids.

 

As much grief as I give Jake, I think
you're all doing it the right way.

It takes at least ten years to get
to know yourself well enough
to stop being a total idiot.

 

It's hard enough without binding
yourself to another total idiot.

 

Well, what's scary is,
when you spend those ten years...

going after the things
you thought were important...

get those things, and then
feel a sneaking suspicion that you
went after the wrong things...

and that where the important things
are concerned...

 

you're still a total idiot.

 

- Can I ask you a question?
- Mm-hmm.

 

Is my son a good kisser?

 

You're in a very good mood.

I'm usually in a good mood.

 

But you're in
a particularly good mood right now.

Okay, yes.
Yes, I am.

I'm in a-- a very good mood.

 

Okay.
Do you wanna share anything?

 

Not quite yet.
Maybe soon, though.

 

- Really?
- Yeah.
- Soon?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

- Well, you let me know, okay?
- I will. I will.

I'll be looking out for that.

- No, that's what she said--
That's what--
- Ridiculous.

 

- I'm so sorry.
-Jesus, what happened?

 

Nothing.

Girl talk. We're fine.

 

I didn't go into explicit detail,
but she knows we weren't holding hands.

God! I can't believe you did that.
We agreed this was between us.

Jake, I didn't tell her.
She figured it out on her own.

- Well, did you at least try to deny it?
- Come on, Jake. She knew!

 

Oh. No wonder she was crying.

You know,
I was crying too, all right?

We had a very nice talk about it,
to be honest with you.

Yes, she was upset,
but she was not angry.

- Yeah, no, that's the face
she put on for you.
- I don't think so.

I know, okay? All right?

I mean, trust me. You have no idea
the nightmare that I'm in for now.

 

All right, you know what? This is not
a nightmare, okay? So stop it.

 

Hey, look at me.

 

Look at me.

 

- I am in love with you, Jake.
- Yeah, I love you too.

 

No, you are
in love with me, you jerk.

You just won't say it because you're
scared of what it involves.

- Yes, I am.
- Yeah, me too.

 

But I'm dealing with it because I am
overwhelmed by this feeling
that I have for you...

and I want to see
if I can work it out.

- Great. How do I work it out?
- Okay.

Let's just take it from the top.

 

Don't talk to me about your mother
or your brother or your synagogue.

Just you. What do you need
to work it out?

Those things are me. Do you understand
that? I can't separate them out.

 

I mean, it might be hard for you
to accept, but the fact that you're
not Jewish is a real problem for me.

 

I don't think so.

 

Okay, okay, okay.
A-All I'm saying, Jake...

is I think you should be honest
with yourself.

Because I think if it
was just up to you...

you would stick with this and see
where this relationship is going...

but it's a problem for you because you
assume that all the people in your life
can't deal with that.

- No, they can't.
- Well, give them a little credit, Jake.

- It's the 21st century.
- "The 21st century"?

What the hell does the 21st century
have to do with anything?

This is you and me, right? I thought
we were supposed to be just having
a good time, keep it simple.

- Well, that's my point. I'm having fun.
- I'm having fun too.

This is a lot of fun.
Whoo! Fun!

Well, exactly.
So why throw it away?

 

Look, maybe you're right, but can't
you see that you're asking me...

to risk losing everything
that's important to me...

just to see if we work?

 

I mean, I love you,
but-- but-- but--

 

we're so different in so many ways that
have nothing to do with whether or not
you're Jewish.

- What are you saying?
- I'm saying we have
totally different priorities.

 

Look at your life.

I don't think there's room in it
for what I've spiritually committed to.

 

That is so unfair.

 

Your faith is a huge part
of what I love about you...

 

but you have to have some patience
for the fact...

that it doesn't come as easily
for most people as it does for you.

 

And you know what? You are never going
to find the kind of relationship
that I know you want...

and you are never going to be the kind
of spiritual leader that you could be...

until you learn to put
a little faith in other people.

 

I'm not saying,
"Let's get married."

All I'm saying is that I am
in love with you, and I want
to give it a real shot.

 

That's all I'm saying.

 

I don't know what to say.

 

How about "I've been waiting
for someone like you my whole life,
and I'm not gonna let you go"?

 

I'm sorry.

 

You think you're sorry now. Wait till
you realize I just went out that door
and I'm not coming back.

 

This is my apartment.
You get out.

 

This is for you. Who's calling
at this hour? This is barbaric.

- I don't know. I'm sorry.
- I was dreaming
about my mother's sausages.

 

- Hello?
- Brian?

 

Hey, what's wrong?

 

I need to talk to you.
Can you come over? Please?

 

Look-- Don't move, okay?
I'll be right over.

 

No, I'll be right there. Okay.

 

- Hi.
- Are you okay?

Terrific!

 

- I came running right over.
- I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to call you so late.

No, it's fine, it's fine.
Don't worry about it. What--
What's going on? What's wrong?

- Everything.
- What do you mean?

- Me!
- What do you mean, you?

- You-- You're perfect.
- I-I am a loser!

 

You're a world-beater.
What are you talking about?

- I am a workaholic.
- No, you're not. You--

 

Okay, yes, you are, you are,
but you're our workaholic,
and we're very proud of you.

- So--
- Brian?

 

- What?
- You're my friend...

and if I ask you something,
you'll answer me honestly, right?

 

Of course I will.
You know I will.

 

When you look at me,
when you look at my life...

 

do you say to yourself,
"Now there's a girl whose values
are all out of whack"?

 

No, and certainly not
in that voice.

- Have I got no spirit?
- What?

I don't mean "spirit."
I know I'm fun to hang out with.

But, I mean, does my life
seem shallow to you?

 

- Am I spiritually empty?
- No.

 

Are you-- Are you crazy?

 

You've got-- You've got more spirit
in you than half the goofballs
running around in robes out there.

What-- You're a natural.
You radiate. What--

 

Trust me. What-- What's going on here?
What's this really about?

 

I don't even know
where to begin, Brian.

 

You're my best friend, and I have been
keeping all this stuff from you.

 

All these feelings.

 

And, um, now, something has happened,
and I can't keep it from you any more.
I feel bad.

- No, it's okay. I understand.
- No, it's not okay.

I have some things I have to tell you,
and I feel bad.

I know, me too, me too.
I have things I gotta tell you too.

- But mine are big.
- No.
- Mine are really bad...

- No.
- and I think I need
to get it off because--

- Okay. It's okay.
- Oh, please, just listen. I don't--

 

- I love you too.
- What?

 

I love you. That's what you're trying
to say, but you're scared because it's
me, and so I'm gonna say it first.

But--

 

- Br-Brian, um--
- No, it's okay. Trust me.

- Oh, Brian.
- Trust me, trust me.

- We can't fight it. It's too strong.
- What?

It's okay.

 

No, Brian, I can't!

 

It's the vows, isn't it?

 

It's the vows.
They make you feel guilty.

I can't believe it. God, I should
have never had that sex talk
with you on the bridge that day.

- I knew it.
- No.
- I knew it.

In the back of my head was this little
voice saying, "Don't go there. She's--"

- Brian, you don't understand.
- You wanna know something?

Right now, first time ever,
I feel jealous of Jake.

 

I envy him, you know, 'cause this
would be so easy if I was him.

- Brian--
- I picked the wrong gig.

- Brian, let me talk to you.
- Come on, come on. Admit it.

If I wasn't a priest, if I was a rabbi,
you could fall in love with me
without this guilt.

- Listen to me!
- What?

 

I'm in love with a rabbi.

 

- Sorry?
- I'm in love with Jake.

 

Yeah.

 

That's what I was trying to tell you.

 

I'm-- I'm stunned.
I mean, I'm-- I'm-- I'm stunned.

I'm-- I'm-- I'm paralyzed. What--

 

Excuse me.
My mouth just went all dry. I--

 

I can't believe this.

When-- When did this-- this happen?

 

- We've been together since July.
-July? Oh!

 

Ah. July.

 

We knew we should have told you, but we
just weren't sure how you'd react...

and we thought
it would be the better choice.

No, no, no. I'm--
I'm glad you saved it, 'cause it's
definitely less weird for me now.

 

Brian, could--

 

Brian! Come on. Let's just talk
about this. You don't drink.

 

Excuse me, but I think in light
of recent revelations...

neither of us is in a position to say
what the other one does or does not do
with much authority.

Wouldn't you say?
Oh, God!

 

You must think I'm such an idiot.

- No, Brian.
- No, no, no. I mean...

I think I'm an idiot.

I mean, all these moments with you.

You know, I've been
walking around on a cloud and...

 

it's just been reflected glow
off of you and Jake.

That's not true.

 

I'm so embarrassed. I--

 

God, talk about a bad case
of the third wheel.

 

- Oh, Brian.
- It's like I'm on some...

bad new Aaron Spelling show.

 

- Melrose Priest.
- No.

 

I don't-- I don't get this,
you know? Why-- Why now?

 

Why tell me like this,
after months and months of lying?

Why call me over in the middle
of the night and cry to me and--

 

He broke up with you, didn't he?

 

That moron broke up with you, and you
called your old friend the priest.

 

- Well, I--
- No, no, it makes total sense.

It's just...

 

tonight I really
didn't want to be one.

 

Oh, Brian.

 

Yes. Yeah, I've heard about that.

 

And my grandfather and my father
were both mohels.

Excuse me, folks. Folks,
I'd like to make a toast to the--

Rabbi Jacob Schram?
Rabbi Jacob Schram?

 

Oh, Rabbi Jacob Schram. Oh.

 

- Hello.
- Excuse me.

 

- May I help you?
- Yes, you may, may you.
I am Father Brian Finn.

I'm looking for my old friend,
Rabbi Jacob Schram.

 

- And there he is.
- Brian, what's going on?

Looking smart
and breaking hearts as always.

- Brian, what are you doing here?
- Don't smile at me.

Okay? 'Cause I'm on to you,
and I'm in no mood.

- What's going on here?
- Yeah, your jig is so up.

- Yeah, you're drunk.
- I'm not drunk.

- You're drunk.
- I'm not drunk. I'm Irish.
- You're very--

I'm Irish.
This is milk to me, baby.

- What the hell is going on here?
- Milk.

- It's okay.
- It's not okay.

My best friend has been
lying to me for months.

 

And he stole my girlfriend on top of it.
You wanna explain this?

- Come here.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Did I miss something?

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Did they change the rules?

Take your hands off of me!

 

- What?
- Give me that. Give me that!

- I can't believe you.
- You know, you better not
lie in here, man.

This is-- This is the big room.
God does not look favorably on it.

- He has a tendency to throw
lightning bolts and things...
- All right.

- at liars!
- All right, how did you find out?

"How'd you find out? How--"
Is that the best you can do?

 

- How do you think?
- Oh, she told you.

Yeah, when she was crying
on my shoulder.

What did you expect?

You know, did you think
she was just gonna, like,
take it on the chin for you...

after the way you treated her?

- Oh, hey, hey, wait a minute.
- No, you listen to me.

 

Anna is very special, okay?
She's not like other girls.

And you said some things to her
that I resent on her behalf.

You can't-- You can't just write her off
like one of your dates, Jake.

- I won't let you do it.
- Brian, I'm in love with her!

Okay? I'm sorry that you
found out about it this way.

 

It sucks, but the fact is
that we have to work it out together.

- It's between me and her.
- No, it was between you and her.

And then you mucked things up,
and now it's between you and me.

- Why is it between you and me?
- Because I love her.

I know you love her.
I love her too.

 

No. I'm in love with her.

 

- What?
- Yeah, it came as quite a shock
to her too, believe me.

 

You're in love with her?

No one seems to have picked up
on this. It's very strange.

I-- It's just-- I mean, she's like
your sister, Brian. It's--

 

Yes, thank you for adding
new depth to my confusion.

 

Damn it, Jake, you have a whole city
full of women, you know, at your feet.

You could go out
with anyone you want to.

Why did you have to go and hone in
on the first woman I've ever had
any real romantic feeling for?

Oh! Wait a minute!
Listen to what you're saying.

You're telling me that I should have
been sensitive to the possibility...

that a Catholic priest had a crush
on my secret girlfriend.

So what? So what? You know how much
I care about her, and you could have
guessed it would end up this way.

- I mean, you know yourself.
- I know myself? What does that mean?

You're always trying to have these
casual flings and relationships...

and it never works because the women
always fall in love with you...

-'cause you're so smart
and funny and cute and yada-yada...
- What are-- Hey. Hey! Hey!

- and you know it!
- Hey, don't put this all on me.

Why? Why? You could have had a fling
with anybody, Jake.

- Why did you have
to pull Anna into your bed?
- I didn't pull her into my bed.

I don't want to hear that.
I don't believe that.

Sorry. It's the truth. She's a woman.
She's not the Virgin Mary!

 

Ow!

 

Um, let me get this straight.

 

I am talking to a priest...

 

who went on a bender
because his best friend, a rabbi...

 

stole his girl.

Right.

 

Thank you.

 

I want to thank you
for telling me this story.

 

- Why?
- Because now I can retire.

 

You have to give me advice. That's
what this is supposed to be about.

Oh, God.
What do I know?

 

I'm a ha If Punjabi Sikh...

one-quarter Tamil separatist.

 

My sister's married to
a Jewish doctor from New Jersey...

 

and our other grandmother...

was an Irish nun who left me this bar,
which is a very long story.

 

You're a Sikh Catholic Muslim
with Jewish in-laws?

 

Yes. Yes.

 

It gets very complicated.

 

I'm reading Dianetics.

 

I don't blame you.

 

I thank you for listening to me.

I feel like I should
ask you for my penance.

I don't do penance.
I do shots.

 

I'll tell you what I know.

 

May those who love us love us.

 

And those who don't love us...

may God turn their hearts.

 

And if He cannot turn their hearts...

 

may He turn their ankles...

 

so that we may know them
by their limping.

 

I'll tell you why l

 

Don't wanna know where you are

 

I got a joke I been

 

Dying to tell you

 

A silent kidis looking

 

Down the barrel

 

To make the noise
that I kept so quiet

 

Kept it from you, pitseleh

 

Anna? Anna?

 

- Hmm.
- I'm not what's missing

 

From your life now

 

I could never be
the puzzle pieces

 

They say that God makes problems

 

Just to see what you can stand

 

Before you do
as the devil pleases

 

Give up the thing you love

 

Hey, Brian.
It's me again.

 

Please call me, okay, Finn?

Brian, call Anna.
Please to call.

 

Seriously. I really wanna
talk to you, okay? Bye.

 

I remember I fell in love
with this girl in Prague.

 

Was in 1968.

 

She was beautiful.
She looked like Carole Lombard.

She grabbed me. It was
in the alley behind my church.

She pressed me against the wall.
She kissed me.

 

I felt like Richard Chamberlain
in The Thorn Birds, you know...

in the barn with Maggie.

 

I was so happy I could die.

 

You've never told me this. What--
Did anything happen between you?

Not really.

 

Flirtations, little moments...

but then soon after the Russians
invaded Czechoslovakia...

and I moved
to the United States.

 

I don't know.
I'll tell you something.

If she had kissed me back...

 

I don't think
I'd be sitting here right now.

 

I would have given it all up.

 

I mean, she didn't, but--

 

I don't know. I just-- I keep thinking
about what you said in the seminary...

about how, you know,
the life of a priest is hard...

 

and if-- and if you can see yourself
being happy doing anything else...

you should do that.

 

Well-- Well, that was
my recruitment pitch...

which is not bad
when you are starting out...

because makes you feel like,
like a marine.

 

The truth is...

 

you can never tell yourself that there
is only one thing you could be.

 

If you're a priest
or if you marry a woman...

 

it's the same challenge.

 

You cannot make
a real commitment...

 

unless you accept
that it's a choice...

 

that you keep making
again and again and again.

 

I've been a priest
over 40 years...

 

and I fell in love
at least once every decade.

 

You're not gonna tell me
what to do here, are you?

 

No.
God will give you your answer.

 

Hey.

 

- Hey.
- How you doin'?

 

Well, what's up?

 

- Well, I know you're
probably still mad at me--
- "Probably"?

No, I'm definitely,
definitely still mad, you know?

- Okay--
- I hope you didn't think you were
just gonna stroll over here...

after a couple of weeks
and find me in a good mood or something.

No. I just said, "I know
you're probably still mad at me."

Yeah, well, what do you expect,
you know?

I mean-- I mean,
you should have just told me.

You should have just told me,
'cause I'd have said, "No,"
and I'd have been jealous...

and told you it was gonna
muck everything up, but at least
we'd still have been friends.

We're still friends.
Jesus, I hope we're still friends.

We-Well, friends
don't lie to each other...

- and set each other up
to be humiliated like that, Jake.
- All right.

All right.
Well, that's why I'm here.

That's why I wanted to, uh, apologize,
if you let me talk for a second.

Well, uh, I wanna talk, you know?
I-I've got all these things on my mind.

- Okay.
- I wanna vent a little.
- So talk!

- Let me vent.
- Vent!

Come on. Vent.
Go ahead. Vent.

 

Okay.

 

Well, now I lost my momentum.
So, so go ahead.

S-- Well, say--
What do you wanna say? What?

 

I wanted to say that I think I handled
things really badly and I'm sorry.

You're my best friend,
and would you please forgive me?

 

- That was very simple and direct.
- Thank you.

 

You know,
you're lucky I am a priest...

'cause forgiveness kind of comes
with the job description.

Well, you're a good priest.

 

I got something for you.

 

I almost didn't 'cause I was
so mad at you, but this was too good.

 

Holy shit. That's the Rabbi
Schlomo Schnurson rookie card.

- This is like the last of the series.
- I know. You've been talking about
this card for, like, 15 years.

- It's in such good condition too.
- Yeah, it's mint.

- This is like--
- Mint. I had to get it.

 

Brian!

 

Thank you.

 

Well, you're welcome.

 

You know, look. As pissed off
as I was, the weird thing is...

I-I'm very sorry I didn't
get to see you two together, you know?

 

I think that would have made me
really happy in some weird way.

- So, have you talked to her?
- No, no.

I mean, things are really strange
between us now. I--

 

What about you? Are you guys talkin'?
Are you workin' this out or anything?

No. No.

 

But that's kind of offset by the fact
that I'm about to lose my job.

- You serious?
- Uh-huh.

Whew. What a mess.
I'm sorry.

 

Man, I was really starting to think
I had a few things figured out there.

Yeah, me too.

 

What happened?

 

Hi.

 

Excuse me if I say that
I don't think I'm the person...

to offer objective advice
on this particular confession.

 

Brian.

 

Brian.

 

You don't have to say anything, okay?
Just listen to me.

 

I just want to say one thing,
and then I will go away.

 

You're my friend...

and whatever else is going on...

 

I can't have you out there thinking
that my feelings for you...

are tied in
to my feelings for Jake.

That's not the problem,
and you know it.

 

I thought you wanted me.

 

And-- And that affected me.

 

I don't know. I-I-- Maybe that's
not fair, and I'm reading
all kinds of things wrong...

but it sure felt that way to me.

 

I don't know what to say.

 

I, um--

 

I've just been having
so much fun, and...

 

I've been feeling
all of these feelings lately...

and not just my feelings
for Jake.

 

But this...

 

reconnecting with this part
of myself...

that has been shut down
for a long time.

 

And if I indulge those feelings
too much with you...

or if I took you for granted,
I am so sorry.

 

I can't bear that I hurt you.

 

Ah, it's not your fault.

 

I totally set myself up for this.

 

I'll tell you something, it's--
I don't know which feels worse.

Having my heart broken...

or starting to doubt myself
because of what that means for me.

Don't you dare doubt yourself.

 

You have a gift,
and you know it...

and if you start to doubt that
because of me...

Brian, I don't know
what I would do with myself.

I don't doubt myself
because of you.

I-I feel like the best version
of myself around you...

and that makes me doubt
everything else.

 

I don't know what to do, Brian.
Just tell me what to do,
and I will do it.

 

Is it me, or is confession getting
a little touchy-feely these days?

 

- Thank you.
- Okay.

 

All right, the lights are workin',
cameras came...

chairs are all set up
the way we want 'em now.

Okay, I sent
the invitations out yesterday.
We've got the karaoke machine.

- Oh, no, no.
- What?
- We need the discs for the karaoke.

I-- We-- I have to call Don.
I'll do it when I get home.

Well, that's all right.
Do it now.

 

Excuse me.
Wh-What is that?

 

- It's a cell phone.
- Since when?

Since Anna gave it to me.
Look. She put God on the speed dial.

I called it.
It was the Elvis Presley Museum.

 

Look, I-- I'm sorry.
I have to say this.

You know she's leaving next week,
right? You do know that?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay. I'm just checking.

 

- You guys have been talking?
- Yeah, yeah. I-- We had a good talk.

- We sort of worked it out.
- That's good.

- It's okay.
- Good.
- Yeah.

 

- Good.
- It's so obvious
you're thinking about her.

- Are you sure you don't
want to talk about this?
- Yes, I don't!

- It's weird to me.
We haven't talked about this.
- Am I asking you?

I don't want to talk about it.
I would talk about it
if I wanted to talk about it.

Okay.

 

- I just think that
she's leaving next week.
- Brian, I know.

- So if you're gonna deal with this,
you'd better do it soon.
- What do you want me to do? It's not--

Oh. Rabbi Schram.

 

What?

 

- Excuse me.
I'm looking for Ruth Schram.
- Dr Marks.

- What happened?
- Your mother collapsed.

- She suffered
a transient ischemic attack.
- A what?

 

It's an almost stroke.

An-- What does-- What does that mean,
"almost stroke"? What are--
What are you talking about?

- She had a temporary blockage
of blood to her brain.
- Is she all right?

Bring me my Obsession perfume,
a couple of macaroons and my computer.

 

-I gotta get some E-mailing done.
-Mom, I'm not gonna bring your computer.

- You gotta rest, okay?
The doctor said two days--
- Two days? Get outta here!

If I have to stay here for two days,
I'll give them an ischemic
wh-whatever the hell I had.

 

I assume your brother
knows all about this.

 

Yeah, he's, um,
he's stuck in the Hamptons...

but he's--
he's checking in and, and--

Yeah. Okay. Well, doesn't matter.
I'll be home by tomorrow.

 

Thanks, guys,
for being so dutiful.

It's our pleasure.

 

So where's the third Musketeer,
Miss Reilly?

Hmm? Workin' hard?

 

- What?
- You know what? Um, I--
I need a cup of coffee.

 

- I'll get it.
- No, that's okay. I'm gonna get it.

You guys stay and talk.

 

- What happened?
- Look, Mom, I don't want you
to worry about this, okay?

- Everything's gonna be fine.
I've dealt with it.
- "Dealt with it"? You dealt with what?

I dealt with it.
It's over, and I don't--

 

- I wanna talk to you about this.
- No, we don't have to talk about it.

- I wanna talk to you about this!
- I think you should rest.

- There's--
There's nothing to talk about.
- Yes, there is.

- No, there isn't.
- There is.

 

Sit back. Relax.

 

Listen to me. There's a reason
why your brother isn't here.

- Yeah, I know, I know.
- No, you don't know.
- No, I know...

- No, you don't.
- and I'm not gonna
let that happen again.

You don't know!

 

I made a mistake.

 

It's true, he's punishing me
a little too much for it...

 

but it was my fault.

 

It's hard to see your son
as a man.

 

I couldn't do that for him.

 

You're a man, Jake. You're a good man.
I did a good job with you.

 

Make your own decisions
about what's important to you.

 

I'm proud of you no matter what.

 

Mom.

 

I love you.

 

Thank you.

 

Rabbi.

 

Larry.

 

How's your mother, Jake?

She's good. She's, uh--
She's actually here tonight.

Oh. That's wonderful.

 

So I suppose you have
your speech all prepared.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Good.

 

Good. Then you'll go out
with a bang, huh?

 

Shalom.

 

Since, uh, Yom Kippur...

 

is kind of like the Super Bowl
of the Jewish calendar...

 

most rabbis try to cram
a whole year's...

 

worth of sermons into one
kind of big "best of" sermon.

 

Um, I'm not gonna do that tonight.

 

I'm not gonna talk about
the meaning of God...

or the situation in Israel...

 

or the status of Jews
around the world.

I'm-- I'd like to talk about something
a little more personal.

 

I'd like to talk about us.

 

The status of you and me.

 

A wise man once told me
that no rabbi can save anyone.

 

He can only offer himself as a guide
to other fearful people.

 

We live in a really complex world...

 

a world where boundaries
and definitions are blurring...

 

and bleeding into each other
in ways that--

 

that I think challenge us
not just as Jews but as human beings.

 

And for a while now,
you've let me be your guide.

 

You've, uh--

 

You've shared your lives with me.

 

You've explored your faith with me...

in ways that I know sometimes
have seemed a little strange...

and, and maybe
even a little scary...

 

but you put your trust in me...

 

and over the past few months...

 

I have been violating that trust.

 

I've been violating it because I haven't
been sharing my life with you.

 

For a number of months, I've been
seeing a woman who isn't Jewish.

 

It doesn't matter if I'm still with her,
which I'm not, or if I still love her,
which I do, very much.

What matters is that I shouldn't have
been afraid to discuss it with you.

 

I'm not sorry for loving her.

 

I am sorry-- I'm very sorry--
that I put too little faith in you.

 

Yom Kippur
is the day of atonement.

 

And so tonight
I stand before you...

 

and ask you to forgive me.

 

This could take a while, Jake.
Go home.

 

I-I'll call you as soon
as the board makes a decision.

 

Or you could stick around. Okay?

 

Come on. Come on.

 

- Yes?
- Yes.
- Yes! Oh! Oh!

 

- God, don't mess with me
like that, you--
- Well, I couldn't--

Oh. Oh. Oh!

 

It's so fantastic.
A made rabbi.

- How does it feel?
- Feels good.

God. You know, we got
a lot to celebrate tonight...

barring an interfaith rumble
at our opening.

I know. It's definitely
Manischewitz time.

Hey, we got two cases delivered,
by the way.

Oh! Did you, uh,
get the discs from Don?

No, I'm going to. Don't worry,
but, look, not to rain on your parade...

- I just-- I had to go and say goodbye
to Anna 'cause she's leaving tonight...
- Oh.

-which I know you know and don't want to
talk about, but there it is, you know?
- Yeah, I don't. There what is?

Come on! Come on, man.
What are you doing?

What do you want me to do,
flagellate myself?

Jews don't do that.
We-- We plant trees.

Listen, who's talking
about feeling guilty?

I'm-- I'm-- I'm saying,
you know, you're--

I just think you'd want to do
something about it. You're on
such a roll right now. What--

What could possibly
be holding you back at this point?

Y-You do love her, don't you?

Yes, I do. I just--
I just--

 

I mean, come on.
Sometimes that's not enough, all right?

Not-- What are-- Listen to
what you're saying! "Not enough"?

There-- There's nothing else
that's worth anything against that,
and you know it.

I mean, for years I have listened
to you-- to you talk about...

how much you want something
exactly like this to happen to you...

and-- and when it comes,
you-- you walk away from it
over a few very minor complications.

 

Now, what--
What kind of a plan is that?
You-- You know how God works.

Well, you think He's just gonna drop
a gift like that in your lap
a second time around...

just 'cause you happen to be
one of His crew, you know?

Seriously.
Look at me. I'm--

 

I'm your friend, and I'm telling you,
you are making this too complicated.

 

It's a very simple situation.
You're in love with her.

She's in love with you,
and she is leaving in about two hours.

 

You need to ask yourself
a simple question. Are you gonna
do anything about it or not?

 

What the--
Why are you standing here?

Oh, my God. You're right.
What am I doing?
What am I doing standing here?

Sign hasn't changed.

 

- Oh, my God.
- This is New York City.
Who waits for a sign?

What-- Cross the damn street!
What, do we all need signs
to tell us what to do now?

- Come on! Cross the street! Don't wait.
- Brian, Brian, Brian. I gotta go.

- I gotta-- I gotta go!
- Yes! Go.

- Go!
- Brian, thank you!
- What happened to free will?

- Thanks!
- The power of human agency?
Get across the street.

That's right. Go. Go! Go.
Go forth and, and prosper.

 

- Excuse me, sir. May I help you?
- Yeah. Hey, T-Bone.
I gotta go see Anna.

 

Oh, good! Yea!

 

I'm sorry, sir.
There's no answer at her office.

T-Bone. T-Bone, look at me. Look at me.
Don't you recognize my face?

- It's Jake.
- What is this in reference to?

It's not in reference to anything.
I'm just-- It's--

Look, do me a favour. This is
a very, very important thing to me.

It's personal. If you could
just go up there, tell anybody
that Jake Schram is here.

- Okay?
- I'm afraid I can't do that, sir.

Oh, man, help me out.
Come on. Come on.

Just two guys, "T."

 

Take me with you.

 

I really would, but I don't know
where I'm going yet.

What are you talking about?

You're going to San Francisco to run
the world and lead the exciting life.

 

Well, don't tell anybody,
but I think I need to take a break
from this exciting life.

- Really?
- Yeah, I do.

So what are you packing there?
Something like 280, 290?

 

- 320.
- Oh, 320.

 

Whoa!

 

Okay. Okay. Okay.

 

- All right.
- Next time, sir...
- Ow!

- I suggest you make an appointment.
- Ow!

 

Hey, hey. No seriously.
Seriously. A toast. A toast.

 

To Anna.
To Anna.

 

Hear! Hear!

 

- Thank you. I'm gonna miss you guys.
- Yeah, right.

 

No, really, I'm-- I'm gonna miss
a lot of things around here.

Like Len's endless
Howard Stern recountings.

 

And, of course, I'm gonna miss
my Romeo Casanova boy across the way.

- Hey, what is that?
- What?

 

Oh, my God.

 

Who is that?

 

- It's Jake.
- What's he doing?

I don't know.

 

- Anna Reilly.
- Anna?

Anna, it's Jake.
Can you-- Can you-- Can you see me?

'Cause I can't see you. I can-- I'm,
like, looking at a reflection of myself.

Jake, I can see you.
What are you doing?

I've been trying to get up there for
the last hour, but it's like the
friggin' Pentagon with that T-Bone guy!

So I decided to try Mr Casanova here.
By the way, his name is Howard.

Listen. There's some things
that I've been thinking about.
I'd like to talk to you.

 

-Am I on speakerphone?
- Hi, Jake!

 

Hi. Hi.

 

- Go on.
- Well, can I talk to you alone?

 

- Could I come over there?
- No, I think now would be a good time.

Okay. Um, alright.

 

Listen, I-I-I've been thinking
about stuff...

an-an-an-an-and I just want you
to know I'm sorry...

 

and-- and you were right.

 

- About what?
-About everything.

About--About us, about me.
Especially about me.

I've been acting like an idiot.

- So what are you saying, Jake?
- Yeah, what are you saying, Jake?

 

I'm saying that I love you.

 

I'm in love with you.

 

And I've been waiting my whole life
for someone like you,
and I'm not gonna let you go.

 

Please, don't go.

Anna, I don't want you to go.

 

Uh, could we hang up
the phone, maybe?

 

Hello? What's going on?
Anna? Anna?

 

- She's gone, buddy!
Move, move, move!
- What? What? Oh--

 

Whoo-hoo!

 

Stuff like that
never happens to me.

 

Me neither.

 

No jolts, no surprises

 

No crisis arises
My life goes along a sit should

 

It's all very nice
but not very good

 

And I'm

 

Ready to take a chance again

 

Ready to put my love on the line

 

With you

 

Been living with nothing
to show for it

 

You get what you get
when you go for it

 

And I'm ready
to take a chance again

 

Ready to put my love
on the line

 

With you

 

Been living with nothing
to show for it

 

You get what you get
when you go for it

 

-And I'm ready to take the change again
- Hey!
- Hi.

 

- Is everything okay here?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, all good things.

- Very good.
- All good things.
- All good things. All good things.

- All right.
- With you

 

And I'm ready
to take that chance again

 

Hi.

 

Rabbi Lewis.
Anna, this is Rabbi Lewis.

- Rabbi Lewis--
- Good to see you again, Miss Reilly.

- Good to see you again, Rabbi Lewis.
- You missed our last class.

I know. I'm sorry.
I thought I was leaving town.

 

Don't look at me
in that tone of voice.

- I would love to start up again,
if that's all right with you.
- I'd be delighted.

Anna--

 

Now, if you'll excuse us,
we've got some dancing to do.

- Hey, come on, come on.
Let's get this started.
- Okay.

 

Okay, if we could have
your attention, please, we'd like
to kick this off officially.

- Yeah, everybody--
- It's so great to see
such a great turnout.

 

- Thank you, all, for coming.
- Congratulations to everybody.

And, uh, I gotta say,
it's just wonderful to see
so much interfaith dancing happening.

- Like--
-'Cause you don't-- Get it?

- It's like the end of West Side Story,
where it really warms your heart.
- That's right.

- Let's give ourselves a hand.
This is a great night for us all.
- Yeah, this is your place.

- Enjoy it, okay?
- Okay.
- Hit it.

 

- Hello.
- Hello.

 

Can I interrupt,
or is three a crowd here?

Not this three.

 

Hold it.

 

Do you wanna know

 

If everythin' glitterin'

 

Will turn into the gold

 

I see in your hair

 

Feel it could be there

 

Some how tonight

 

And do you wanna fight

 

Somethin' worth savin'

 

The change would do me right

 

'Cause I've been just waitin'

 

And hesitatin' with this heart

 

Of

 

Mine

 

You're still a mystery

 

But there's somethin' so easy

 

In how you're sweet to me

 

I feel completed

 

Like it's somethin' I needed
for this heart

 

Of

 

Mine

 

There's always somethin' so tragic

 

About a hopeless romantic

 

So though we cannot know

 

If everythin' glitterin'

 

Will turn into the gold

 

I'm through with waitin'

 

And hesitatin'

 

I want you takin'

 

This heart

 

Of

 

Mine

 

Heart

 

Of

 

Mine